Settling in: what the first two weeks are really like
The hard part is not usually day one. It is day four, and then again around day nine. Here is what to expect and what actually helps.
By Angela
Every family starting somewhere new wants to know how long the crying lasts. The honest answer is that it varies, but the shape of it is fairly predictable.
Day one is often fine
This surprises people. Day one is new, and new is interesting. There is a lot to look at and a lot of other children doing things. Plenty of children have a completely uneventful first day.
Day four is usually the hard one
By day four the novelty is gone and the pattern has landed: you leave, and you are gone for a long time. That is when the drop-offs get difficult. It is also when parents start quietly wondering whether they have made a terrible mistake.
You have not. It is the normal shape of the thing.
Around day nine it turns
Not always on day nine, but somewhere in the second week most children stop protesting the goodbye and start walking in. What changes is not that they miss you less. It is that they have worked out that the day has a shape and you come back at the end of it.
What actually helps
Keep the goodbye short. I know it feels cold. A long drawn out departure gives a child more time to escalate, and it tells them the goodbye is a negotiation. A hug, a clear "I am going to work, I will be back after snack," and out the door.
Say when you are coming back in terms they can use. Not four thirty. After afternoon snack. Children this age track the day by meals and naps, not by clock time.
Send something from home for the first while. A small blanket, a stuffed animal, one of your scarves. It works better than people expect.
Do not sneak out. It buys you a calm thirty seconds and costs you a week, because now the child has to keep watch.
What I do on my end
I take the child at the door rather than letting a long handover stretch out. I text you within twenty minutes, and if the crying has stopped, which it almost always has, I say so.
Then I stay close. New children get shadowed for the first while, invited into things rather than left to find their way in, and put next to whichever child is best at including people. Every group has one.
When to actually worry
If a child is still distressed after three or four weeks, not just at drop-off but through the day, something is off and we should talk about it properly. That is rare. But it happens, and it is not a failure on anyone's part when it does.
